I contemplated whether or not I should post about this issue, but I just decided to be real and if I make some people mad oh well. Afterall, it ain't always pretty.
I'm going to preface this with the fact that I am so extremely grateful for this pregnancy. Not one day goes by that I don't thank God for this miracle and am happy about it. The truth is pregnancy is not all happy and beautiful... especially for someone who has always had serious self image issues. So this may sounds selfish to some and I understand that.
I understand that it's for a reason. I understand I am growing a human being and what is most important is that my baby is healthy. I also understand this is a normal feeling that most women experience as their bodies change. For someone like me, who dropped out of high school because at the time thought I was "too fat and ugly", who has struggled with eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder, and has seen numerous therapists along the way it's a little difficult. I don't walk around saying "I'm fat" as a plea for attention or fishing for compliments. It's not about that, but I had a mental breakdown the other day about gaining weight, my fears, and body changes.
Going through the struggles of infertility I thought FOR SURE would have given me a good base to go off of with this issue. I always thought to myself that I didn't care how much weight I gained or how I would look because all I wanted was that end result of a healthy happy baby. I was lying to myself the whole time. Since the day I got pregnant I think I've been holding my breath. Terrified of what would or could happen to my body.. of course these thoughts are always secondary to the wellbeing of my child. Don't get it twisted.
I am very well educated on nutrition and exercise and have done my best. I lost two pound just before getting pregnant but gained them back as soon as I got pregnant which would put me be back at my all time normal starting weight of 133. So total I've gained 4 lbs, which I realize is normal. It sounds better to me if I just pretend I started at 133 and have only gained 1.. but my body knows and shows THAT just isn't true.
The other day it all came crashing down. It all started when a friend of mine (who's wedding I will be in just 4 months after giving birth) called to say another bridesmaid was also pregnant.. about a month ahead of me.. and doesn't even look pregnant. That got my mind going. I know everyone is different and I shouldn't compare. I know I should be grateful that I'm pregnant and not care about my body. I'm not ignorant.. I just have issues I guess. Then I kept picturing us in the wedding.. her looking like nothing ever happened... and me looking disgusting, puffy and just repulsive. Then it doesn't help that I work with nothing but insensitive guys who always ask about gaining weight or what I'm eating which makes me feel like crap. I worry about what people will say about me behind my back about gaining weight and getting fatter. Then I wonder about whether or not Chad will still find me attractive and blah blah.. how big will I end up getting and will I ever be able to get the weight off. I can go on for hours but this is already way too long.
It's just hard. I know that many will roll their eyes at this and want to play their tiny violins and may even hate me for this.. go for it. This is my life, my pregnancy, and my blog.. which is for me to discuss my feelings. This is just part of it. XO
If it's what is truly on your mind no one can fault you for that. I have thought those same things too, I am not pregnant.....yet, but have often wondered how big I would get. Being only 5'3 it seems I would get very wide lol. BUT I remind myself that the miracle is totally worth it and I know without a doubt my husband will support me. Granted I know I'd want to try to get back in shape as soon as it was Dr approved :) Don't be so hard on yourself, you are beautiful and are about to be a beautiful Mom. (by the way I tried your trick of standing on my head and it didn't work out for me lol)
ReplyDeleteYou are allowed to feel the way you do right now. Even though we are going through/have gone through infertility, that doesn't mean the bad doesn't come with the good. I have plenty of times worried about how big my small frame will get when I'm pregnant. I see some people get way bigger than they should and I have always thought I "won't" let myself look like that, but who knows what will happen when that day comes. I know Chad will find you attractive no matter what! Just try to stay as healthy as you can. A little weight gain is normal. Try the best you possibly can to embrace this time and block out anyone's negativity about weight. Because the weight will come off after the baby! ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you have struggled with eating disorders/body dysmorphic disorder, Emi! You are beautiful and are going to bounce back after baby P arrives in no time at all! I bet you'll be the prettiest bridesmaid in the wedding! Thanks for sharing this post as I (and I'm sure many others) can relate in one way or another.
ReplyDeleteBaby girl. Listen, no matter what and how much weight you'll gain, you'll be beautiful. I know you know that baby is primary and your main focus but it plagues us all when it comes to our bodies and how we will bounce back or if we will even bounce back. How we look, what people think and if our spouses will still find us attractive. It is something we all think about and if a pregnant woman says she hasn't stood in front of the mirror analyzing her pregnant body and to see if she feels / looks pretty, then they are liar, liar pants on fire.
ReplyDeleteYou are a gorgeous person inside and out. You dress wonderfully, you have an amazing personality and you are such an amazing friend. You will be fine. If anyone can make pregnancy work for them, it's you. That, I can promise you.