The Ugly

I contemplated whether or not I should post about this issue, but I just decided to be real and if I make some people mad oh well. Afterall, it ain't always pretty.

I'm going to preface this with the fact that I am so extremely grateful for this pregnancy. Not one day goes by that I don't thank God for this miracle and am happy about it. The truth is pregnancy is not all happy and beautiful... especially for someone who has always had serious self image issues. So this may sounds selfish to some and I understand that.

I understand that it's for a reason. I understand I am growing a human being and what is most important is that my baby is healthy. I also understand this is a normal feeling that most women experience as their bodies change. For someone like me, who dropped out of high school because at the time thought I was "too fat and ugly", who has struggled with eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder, and has seen numerous therapists along the way it's a little difficult. I don't walk around saying "I'm fat" as a plea for attention or fishing for compliments. It's not about that, but I had a mental breakdown the other day about gaining weight, my fears, and body changes.

Going through the struggles of infertility I thought FOR SURE would have given me a good base to go off of with this issue. I always thought to myself that I didn't care how much weight I gained or how I would look because all I wanted was that end result of a healthy happy baby. I was lying to myself the whole time. Since the day I got pregnant I think I've been holding my breath. Terrified of what would or could happen to my body.. of course these thoughts are always secondary to the wellbeing of my child. Don't get it twisted.

I am very well educated on nutrition and exercise and have done my best. I lost two pound just before getting pregnant but gained them back as soon as I got pregnant which would put me be back at my all time normal starting weight of 133. So total I've gained 4 lbs, which I realize is normal. It sounds better to me if I just pretend I started at 133 and have only gained 1.. but my body knows and shows THAT just isn't true.

The other day it all came crashing down. It all started when a friend of mine (who's wedding I will be in just 4 months after giving birth) called to say another bridesmaid was also pregnant.. about a month ahead of me.. and doesn't even look pregnant. That got my mind going. I know everyone is different and I shouldn't compare. I know I should be grateful that I'm pregnant and not care about my body. I'm not ignorant.. I just have issues I guess. Then I kept picturing us in the wedding.. her looking like nothing ever happened... and me looking disgusting, puffy and just repulsive. Then it doesn't help that I work with nothing but insensitive guys who always ask about gaining weight or what I'm eating which makes me feel like crap. I worry about what people will say about me behind my back about gaining weight and getting fatter. Then I wonder about whether or not Chad will still find me attractive and blah blah.. how big will I end up getting and will I ever be able to get the weight off. I can go on for hours but this is already way too long.

It's just hard. I know that many will roll their eyes at this and want to play their tiny violins and may even hate me for this.. go for it. This is my life, my pregnancy, and my blog.. which is for me to discuss my feelings. This is just part of it. XO

Bump

Here's a quick tacky work bathroom self shot from this morning of my bump at 13w3d. I realize this isn't the best shirt to show the bump, but I'm still trying to just camouflage it for the time being.

Normal...

A little sideways duck face...

Xo

NT Scan- 13w2d

The NT scan today went well. Sweet P is measuring 13w4d which is 2 days ahead, exactly 3 inches in length from head to rump, with a heart beat at 150. I was a little disappointed in my sonographer because she was a little dry and  didn't go above and beyond.. pffff I sounds like such a snot. She's a sonographer Emily, not a personal entertainer. Whatever. 

Chad and I kept going back and forth about the gender kind of hinting to her to check.. just to see.. ya know... NOPE. She wouldn't even acknowledge us. After the scan I asked if she got an idea or a peek and she just said it's too early. Kind of, not really, but ok. The good news is the nasal bone and fluid behind the neck are within normal range which is the whole reason we were there. 

Then I'm in the holding area waiting for the blood draw portion of the deal when another girl sits with us and says her sonographer told her she was probably having a girl. Must be nice! She then proceeded to show me her photos.. OMG! Her pictures were WAY better than mine! Seriously? I kept telling Chad to look at how good hers were compared to ours! Haha.. I'm turning into a crazy person. 

Here are two of the craptastic photos we got ; )

Giving us a thumbs up... ok maybe it was just about to suck it's thumb.

Profile Shot.. I have no idea who's nose that is...

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to my amazing mom who does NOT have access to this blog.. haha.. 

And to all of the mothers out there who have BEEN moms, ARE moms, and those who WILL BE moms..

And to me? 

Wow. I can clearly remember how I felt last year at this time. I was two months out from my miscarriage and this day stung more than it ever had. I don't even think I was expecting to feel that way but man did it hurt. I held it in and didn't tell anyone because I thought it was an embarrassing feeling to have. It wasn't all about ME after all. I ended up breaking down in tears in the car on the way home from visiting Chad's mom that evening. It took him off guard but he was so sweet about it. He said he understood my feelings and assured me I would be a great mom... one day. Gotta love that man.

Fast forward to this year and I can't feel sad at all because I'm so blessed to be the Second Tri, bitches! Woot! Yes, I just used the words blessed and bitches in the same sentence. It works. It feels amazing to have made it this far and I can't help but think this is definitely going to be my take-home baby... at least that's what I pray for every day! 

Here's a video of the at home doppler being used yesterday.. =) 

First OB Appointment- BUST

I felt like I had waited an eternity for this appointment. This is not a normal OB place as it's actually just for employee's of UF and Shands. I happened to get lucky thanks to Chad's Aunt who is head of Labor and Delivery at Shands who got me in there. Anyway, you have to make your first 2 appointments through a call center which is totally obnoxious. I took tons of notes from that call center lady and had all of the information written down. 

Well I showed up at 2:50 for my 3:00 appointment and some how they had my appointment down for 1:30. I know for a fact I would have never made that appointment because Chad wouldn't have been able to come until after 2:00, not to mention I had the damn thing written down! Both of my appointments were scheduled for 3:00 or after. Anyway, I was super pissed but hey said they would still "work me in" which if you didn't know means you'll be the last person they take for the day. Awesome. 

Literally all I did was pee in a cup, get my vitals taken, and go through paperwork with a nurse. The good thing that came out of this was I got to schedule my NT scan (1st Tri Screening U/S).. which is going to be Monday! I was also excited to learn that I only had to pay my co-pay this one time and the rest of my visits were totally covered. I had no idea that's how it worked but I'm thankful! 3 hours later we were going home... annoying but very glad we get to see our babe in just two days! 

Gender Determination Set!

Houston, we have an appointment! I am so excited!

We will be finding out the gender of our "sweet P" on May 31st at an elective ultrasound at 16 weeks! We'll be telling our families and the next day on Saturday, June 1st at our gender reveal party. We've decided to go with "What's it going to bee" theme with yellow honey bees since it will be a hopefully hot summer day. 

I seriously can't wait to finally know what this baby is! I refuse to talk baby names or nursery themes until I know.. there are just too many possibilities on either side and I'd rather not waste my time coming up with ideas for the wrong gender. I'm psycho, I know. 

And as always.. for your entertainment.. Shit My Husband Says.. 

(A text from Chad) 

Do you think your vagina will look like it was attacked by a lion right after you give birth?

The more I think of it...  Man, vaginas are tough! 

XO

Out at Work

Last night I flew back home from being on a quick work trip to Jackson, Mississippi and decided that I'd try out the Fetal Home Doppler that an amazing friend let me borrow! I was a little worried that I wouldn't find the heartbeat (only because it can be difficult) and then freak myself out for nothing. Chad and I went for it knowing that we may not find it and that we didn't need to worry, and sure enough about 3 minutes in we found the heartbeat! It was so fun to just lay in our own bed and listen to that awesome sound. Thanks, Noelle!!!

Well about two days ago my "bump" popped out a little. I still don't really look pregnant, just more like I ate one cheeseburger too many. Anyway, it's definitely obvious and I can't suck it in or hide it very well anymore so I finally came out to the rest of my guys here at work (aside from my boss). This is how I told them.. in an email... I know.. SO classy

and yes, I made that ecard! Perfect, huh?

Subject: Leaving... 

"Well I guess it needs to be said. I have tried to hold off as long as I could but the time has come. 

I will be leaving you guys in November. That's the "news" Charlie was going to spill on the call last Friday but I stopped him. I wasn't ready for you all to know.

Don't get too excited just yet… it will only be temporary. I know we have a company policy that says we can't take time off in November or December, but what can I say, I'm a rule breaker!

See below… 

XO"